Pizza and subs are the third-rails of food conversations. When people outside my tight circle of friends talk about either I keep my mouth shut, otherwise I’ll say something nasty I’ll regret. Instead of trying to convince you that Elsie’s subs (74 Monmouth Street, Red Bank, NJ) are the best in the world (they are) I’ll stick to explaining why they are my favorite.

Consistency. Is there anything worse than not knowing what you’re going to get from day to day? Getting a decent sub one day and a total miss the next is enough to drive me out the door for good. Elsie’s has been doing it right for decades; since the ‘50’s. [ed note: There was a period of about a year in the early ‘90’s between the legendary owner Lloyd Patillo and the current sub masters that some misguided soul tried to change just about everything. I prefer to not think about this. Thankfully the current owners came in and put everything back the way it was.]

Bread. Bad bread = bad sub. Case closed. Elsie’s uses fantastically soft bread from a local baker, Baldanza’s. (I’m not one for crusty sub bread that tears the roof of your mouth to shreds and leaves you with an aching jaw.) The bread is porous enough to absorb the vinegar, and if you let it sit for a little while it’ll soak right into the crust. It sometimes makes for a real mess, especially if you get extra vinegar like I do. But Elsie’s has that covered with their use of the “sub condom”; a thin plastic bag that fits your half and catches all the good drippings which you can soak up with the last piece of bread before you sign off. The Elsie’s sub bag is essential and must be left on while eating. Removal of the bag identifies you as a true novice. In conclusion, the bread is nearly perfect, just a tiny notch below the famous bread at the White House in AC which is baked across the street and shuttled directly to your mouth all day.

Construction. If you’re lucky you’ll get one of the owners making your sub. The female half of the married duo makes them absolutely perfectly. The cheese goes on first, closest to the bread. The slightly waterproof quality of the cheese helps shield the bread from a flood of vinegar long enough that it can spread out a little and coat the other stuff before it soaks the bread. Then you got your Genoa salami and ham. And let’s face facts here people. The Italian is the only real sub. All those other combos are ancillary and, dare I say, unnecessary.

The rest. Tomatoes are hit or miss out of season, so I give any sub a pass on under-ripe or bland tomatoes. It’s just life; we have to deal. Elsie’s uses shredded lettuce, which is a huge plus over roughly chopped or (yuck) giant leaves of iceberg. The fine mesh of the shredded lettuce holds the oil and vinegar and spices and the incredible Elsie’s hot peppers. Not sliced hot peppers as usual, but chopped and marinated red peppers. I get light hots because a little goes a long way, but they are essential.

So there you have it my friends. I love subs. #15, no onions, light hots, extra vinegar.